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Salvage Area => Site Suggestions, Information, Question, & Updates => Topic started by: Boss Man on December 25, 2012, 09:40:04

Title: Merry Christmas Everyone
Post by: Boss Man on December 25, 2012, 09:40:04
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A Merry Christmas to all our visitors and members and in particular all the members who have stayed strong and loyal over the last 9 years. And if your tired of the turkey and mice pies already, grab a seat and have a read of these funny Christmas stories -


The Saga of the Christmas Loser

Late home after a night out, a youngster attempted to climb into his home down the chimney.  He did not to want to wake other residents in the Judson Center social services agency; also he had broken his curfew and wanted no trouble.

In best Santa Claus mode he climbed onto the roof and let himself down the chimney; unfortunately he was too large, and he became stuck.  The 17 year old began moaning and was heard and rescued.  Fire fighters and police officers from the City of Royal Oak, Michigan, USA, had to pull him out.  The youth suffered from minor scrapes and bruises.


How They Forecast a Cold Winter

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2011/12 was going to be cold or mild.  The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter.  However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.Christmas Funny Stories and Jokes

'Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,' the meteorological officer told the chief.  Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. 'Are you still forecasting a cold winter?' he asked.

'Yes, very cold', the weather officer told him.

As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. 'Yes,' he was told, 'it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied: 'Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.'


Two Idiotic Reactions to Freezing Weather: [Don't try these at home]

1) This is a true story about John Porter, from New York State, USA, whose pipes in his home froze one winter.  Anxious to unfreeze them, Mr Porter backed his car up to an open window so that the exhaust would warm up the house.heat a two-gallon can of petrol

A little while later and Porter, his wife and their three children had to be rushed to hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning.

2) George Gibbs, from Columbus, Ohio, suffered second-degree burns on his head.  This is what happened one freezing cold winter morning.  Unable to start his car, George diagnosed the problem as a frozen fuel line which he thought he could correct by running warm petrol through it.  He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of petrol on his gas stove in the kitchen.  Ah.....


Yarn of the Seat in Stand

Freddie and John were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Chelsea. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (B14) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Freddie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for B14. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing day, much to Freddie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. John could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.  Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.


Try Before You Buy!

Myra was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked, 'May I try on that dress in the window, please?'

'Certainly not, madam,' responded the salesgirl, 'You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.'


Mirror Image - Christmas Fable

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be'

Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, 'How about some perfume?'  She showed him a bottle costing £75. [$150USD]

'Too expensive,' muttered Nathan.

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50.  'Oh dear,' Nathan groused, 'still far too much.'

Growing rather annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.

Nathan became really agitated, 'What I mean', he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.'

So the sales girl handed him a mirror.


An Amusing and True Funny Story At Christmas

A seven-year-old boy was stopped by police in northern Germany while trying to plough snow with a front loader he borrowed from his parents' business, authorities have told Will and Guy.  Officers on patrol found the boy atop the 3.5-meter-tall [11.5-foot-tall] excavator after he had cleared the street in the town of Reinfeld and was driving back to the parking lot. The child noticed the police car behind him and stopped immediately.

'He opened the door, got out and admitted immediately that he did not have a driving licence,' the police report said. When asked why he had begun ploughing, he said his father had complained about the state of the roads. He saw the key in the ignition of the vehicle and set off.

Police retrieved the key to the loader from the child and returned it, and the boy, to his mother.


The Tale of the Traditional Christmas Pudding

Martha decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking.  Whereupon, her devoted husband Archie went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven.

Christmas approached and Martha got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients.  She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture 'for luck'. When Martha consulted the microwave's manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding.  Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of 50 minutes.

As Martha was in the lounge watching her favourite T.V. programme she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave oven, nor did she hear the mini-explosions.  When she finally extracted the pudding from the microwave after nearly an hour of cooking on 'High', it smelt of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar.  Naturally, the Christmas pudding was a disaster, so much so, that Martha could not even prod it with a fork.  In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Archie had to get a screwdriver to prize it from its base.

In a fit of pique, Martha threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Togo her St Bernard puppy.  After a few days she could see the funny side, and Togo loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him until the next Christmas.


Amusing Christmas Turkey Story

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum.  'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey.  It was the aeroplane ticket.'  "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'