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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2005, 04:37:03 »
A women comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
 
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
 
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
 
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
his wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
 
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
 
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.
 
 
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #21 on: September 07, 2005, 14:31:50 »
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
 
 The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks  that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
 
 "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
 
 A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
 
 Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
 
 Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he  came close to them.
 
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
 
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
 
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought  them all a cocktail.
 
(Is that a prawn cocktail???? no dont go yet it gets worse"""""").
 
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
 
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
 
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
 
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.

I've changed....."

 "......I've found Cod and I'm a prawn again Christian".
Travel broadens the mind. Staying in one place broadens the behind. Its your choice......

Offline Jackiee

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« Reply #22 on: September 07, 2005, 23:28:02 »
Oh dear me..................you must be fed up!!

A fishy tale if ever I heard one[:D]
Jackie

Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2005, 19:57:48 »
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

 

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

 

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

 

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

 

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

 

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, complains the man again."

 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

 

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agree's to pay.

 

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #24 on: September 11, 2005, 17:19:58 »
A woman was in a coma; she had been in it for months.  Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.  One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.  They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.  They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,” crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the Curtains for privacy.  The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.  After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.  The nurses ran into the room.  "What happened?" they cried.  The husband said, "I'm not sure I think she choked".


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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #25 on: September 12, 2005, 23:39:18 »
A man walked into a supermarket with  his zipper down, and his fly wide open.
A lady cashier walked up to him and  said, "Your barracks door is open." This
is not a phrase men normally use, so he  went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man  came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his  shopping, and remembering what the cashier had
told him, finally understood. He  then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him  about his "barracks door."   He was planning to have a little fun  with her. When he reached her counter   he said, "When you saw my barracks door  open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"              The lady thought for  a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on  two duffel bags."


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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #26 on: September 13, 2005, 00:00:46 »
Once upon a time,

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                                 in a land far away,

                                    ~~~~~~~~

                             a beautiful, independent,

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                                 self-assured princess

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                          happened upon a frog as she sat,

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                       contemplating ecological issues

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                        on the shores of an unpolluted pond

                                        ~~~~~~~~

                       in a verdant meadow near her castle.

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                     The  frog hopped into the princess' lap

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                             and said: Elegant Lady,

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                        I  was once a handsome prince,

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                     until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                             One kiss from you, however,

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                             and I will turn back

                                      ~~~~~~~~

                     into the dapper, young prince that I am

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                         and then, my sweet, we can marry

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                       and set up housekeeping in your castle

                                        ~~~~~~~~

                                 with my mother,

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                           where you can prepare my meals,

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                        clean my clothes, bear my children,

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                                  and forever

                                       ~~~~~~~~

                       feel grateful and happy doing so.

                                     ~~~~~~~~

                                     That night,

                                        ~~~~~~~~

                       as the princess dined sumptuously

                                      ~~~~~~~~

                           on lightly sautéed frog legs

                                      ~~~~~~~~

                            seasoned in a white wine

                                        ~~~~~~~

                            and onion cream sauce,

                                        ~~~~~~~~

                    she chuckled and thought to herself:

                                    ~~~~~~~~

 

                            I  don't think so.
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #27 on: September 13, 2005, 03:50:26 »
I am a Father


 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar that way.
   The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
   The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
   The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
   The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
   The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
   The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."
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Offline lucky

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« Reply #28 on: September 13, 2005, 11:10:05 »
Love em. Especially the frog

Tina
 

Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #29 on: September 17, 2005, 16:50:23 »
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from  diarrhea...does that mean that
>> one enjoys it?


 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow  that electricians can be delighted,  musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald
men?


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #30 on: September 18, 2005, 05:46:07 »
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy,
how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button , Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #31 on: September 19, 2005, 03:29:10 »
The Dying Pastor6

An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.  When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.  As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them
to b with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never
given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
 
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« Reply #32 on: September 19, 2005, 18:44:27 »
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are sitting in a bar. They're staring at a man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. His face is very familiar but not one of them can recognise him. They're getting annoyed. They stare and stare until suddenly the Irishman twigs, "My God . . . . . it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

Jesus then gets up and approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

He then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager and as he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, that bad back I've had nearly all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then reaches across to shake the hand of the Scouser who says
"Back off wack, I'm on disability benefit."

No offence meant to scousers - I'm married to one.....

Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #33 on: September 19, 2005, 23:05:03 »
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #34 on: September 20, 2005, 16:39:18 »
Said the lawyer to the witness..................

---------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

---------------------------------
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?"

---------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?"Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Travel broadens the mind. Staying in one place broadens the behind. Its your choice......

Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #35 on: September 20, 2005, 20:39:08 »
Penis Requests a Raise
  I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving
the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #36 on: September 21, 2005, 01:02:40 »
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down (David Letterman)
 

10. The cucumber has left the salad.  

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
 
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.  

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..  
 
6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
 
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
 
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
 
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
 
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
 
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #37 on: September 21, 2005, 16:47:49 »
CATHOLIC HORSES
 
Bubba was from Alabama, and was a good ol' Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies, and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
 
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
 
Bubba collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!
 
ubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
 
Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
 
Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!!"  The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants....... You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
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Offline Jackiee

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« Reply #38 on: September 21, 2005, 22:50:50 »
Frank,

Your jokes are all sex, gambling and religion.  Unless I've missed it, you've not done politics yet.  I'm surprised you've not been sensored!!![V]
Jackie

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« Reply #39 on: September 22, 2005, 17:09:44 »
quote:
Originally posted by Jackiee

Frank,

Your jokes are all sex, gambling and religion.  Unless I've missed it, you've not done politics yet.  I'm surprised you've not been sensored!!![V]



When I get a good political Joke I will post it. As long as no one complaines I will keep posting. Besides I am one of the moderators of this forum so do I edit myself?[xx(]
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