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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #40 on: September 24, 2005, 00:07:59 »
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
> and H are the letters
> used to define bra sizes?
>
> If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
> what the letters stood
> for, it is about time you became informed!
>
>
>
> (A} Almost Boobs...
>
> {B} Barely there.
>
> {C} Can't Complain!
>
> {D} Dang!
>
> {DD} Double dang!
>
> {E} Enormous!
>
> {F} Fake.
>
> {G} Get a Reduction.
>
> {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #41 on: September 29, 2005, 17:14:24 »
A comical look at aging

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're cotton-pickin' right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
buried at Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts
of my body are just prone to swinging .

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my
age, but they haven't made one yet called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as
your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #42 on: October 05, 2005, 20:35:50 »
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he
questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband!
Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar buzzing
noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously
entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring
at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.

The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied,
"I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #43 on: October 06, 2005, 23:36:31 »
quote:
Originally posted by Jackiee

Frank,

Your jokes are all sex, gambling and religion.  Unless I've missed it, you've not done politics yet.  [V]



Ok here is one on Politics



A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."



The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"



"About a gallon."
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #44 on: October 14, 2005, 01:52:44 »
Have you read the newly released sex study?

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples
is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #45 on: October 14, 2005, 21:33:04 »
A very wealthy man was  having an affair with an
Italian woman for several
years. One night, during  one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not  wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, he paid
her a large sum of money  if she would go to Italyto
secretly have the child.

 If she stayed in  Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support
 until the child  turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when
the baby was born. To keep  it discreet, he told her
to simply mail him a post
card, and write "Spaghetti"  on the back. He would
then arrange for child
support payments  to  begin.

 One day, about 8  months later, he came home to his
confused wife.

  "Honey, you  received a very strange post card
today," she said.

 "Oh, just give it  to me and I will explain it
later," he answered.

 The wife obeyed,  and watched as her husband first
read the card, then
turned white and  fainted.

 On the card was  written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs,  one  without."

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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #46 on: October 15, 2005, 17:41:55 »
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde Aussie
were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde Aussie
said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land
on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde
replied,We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicelyif he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within
half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen despertely throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks
what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm
rechecking my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have
kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree
in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the
little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning,
she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big
oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following
note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!"
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #47 on: October 15, 2005, 17:52:03 »
Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
 
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"

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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #48 on: October 16, 2005, 20:56:54 »
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #49 on: October 16, 2005, 21:50:12 »
It's a few minutes before Sunday service.
Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church.
Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate.
Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is.
He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him.
Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies: "Yep, sure do."
"Aren’t you afraid?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't," says the old man.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan.
"Don’t doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?"
"No."
Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years."
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Offline Jackiee

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« Reply #50 on: October 16, 2005, 22:00:07 »
Nice one pink......[:D]
Jackie

Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #51 on: October 16, 2005, 22:08:06 »
Ski Trip


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and ! the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"


"Yes, I do." said Bob


"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"


"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."


"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's f! ace turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."  


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)  
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #52 on: October 18, 2005, 13:46:07 »
This is why I like to flying Southwest Airlines!!! Enjoy your day!!!
 
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned
to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats,
why don't planes have baby planes?"
 
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
 
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now,
let your mother explain that to you."
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #53 on: October 18, 2005, 22:06:22 »
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #54 on: October 18, 2005, 22:10:25 »
Two drunks walk past a church and start to read the gravestones.

The first stops at one stone and says: "Bloody hell! This bloke was 182!"

"Oh yeah?" says the other "What was his name?"

"Miles from London" replied the first.
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Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #55 on: October 19, 2005, 02:50:42 »
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else! You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #56 on: October 21, 2005, 17:20:32 »
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" her boyfriend asks.

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger," says the blonde.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She has all the pieces spread over the table. He studies them for a moment, then looks at the box and says, "I don’t think you'll make this look like a tiger.

Let's have a cup of tea and then…then we'll put all these Frosties back in the box."
Travel broadens the mind. Staying in one place broadens the behind. Its your choice......

Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #57 on: October 21, 2005, 17:26:32 »
A novice monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy by hand the old canons and laws of the church.

He notices that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the novice monk goes to ask the head abbot about this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, the head abbot goes into the caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a vault that's been locked for hundreds of years.

Hours go by, and nobody sees him.

Finally, the novice monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the head abbot. He finds him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he's crying uncontrollably. The younger man goes to the elder and asks, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the head abbot replies,

"The world is 'celebrate'."
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Offline pinkkipper

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« Reply #58 on: October 21, 2005, 17:30:45 »
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says: "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord. "Sorry about that – it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub and the landlord says: "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, He talks, drinks beer – everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.

The landlord says: "Hey, Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money."

"Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great – where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the landlord.

"What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"
Travel broadens the mind. Staying in one place broadens the behind. Its your choice......

Offline bigfrank

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« Reply #59 on: October 22, 2005, 03:06:49 »
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